Thursday, August 18, 2011

wanted: new heart


some days i want to write…need to write…but i’m drowing – in life.  
ever feel that way?  
i’ve learned that sometimes a meager few words are all we need to re-open lines of communication with our Savior.  today these are the only words i can put together, but i know they are enough…

give me a new heart, Lord.  
this one is full of bitterness, impatience, anger, frustration, restlessness…
life feels like drudgery.  i’m desperate for joy...looking for it everywhere.  you keep showing me glimpses but the darkness takes back over…it’s so heavy…it’s suffocating.
i can’t breathe.  
the breath i do have i waste on screaming in anger or sobbing in frustration.  i want my breath to be full of grace and gentleness…blowing life into my children, my husband, my family and friends…
when your word says that you give strength to the weary i want to feel it…not just read it.  i’m weary…drifting…homeless…i can’t keep up – always behind…frantic…without an anchor…being swept wherever the day’s wild winds carry me.  i know you can find a way to steady me here…in the middle of the chaos.  steady me.  lighten my load.  
for days on end the same scenario plays out – sunrise to sunset with no real breathing in between.  days begin full of heavy burden, not hopeful expectation.  and they end full of restlessness, not peace.  take my heart in your hands.  open it up that the hard places spill out and the softness returns.  give me a new heart, Lord.

From the prophet Ezekiel…
For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land.  I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from your idols.  I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put my spirit in you…
{chapter 36}