Tuesday, March 13, 2012


it's been a while since i've shared some ugly.  my weaknesses make themselves known to me on a regular basis but i know y'all just wouldn't want to read post after post of how wrecked my mind and heart {and house} can be at times.  so i try to limit these words...
:: the ones i spin full of hard truth and teeth gritted together.
:: the ones of battles lost and wounds slow to heal.
:: the ones that tell of heartsongs that die and need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to be brought back to life.

my latest struggle has to do with motherhood {shocking, i know!}.  i feel sure i have said this at least once in previous posts but it's worth repeating...
parenting exposes your weaknesses
oh the little mirrors that follow me around all day...reflecting the truth of who i really am behind closed doors - once the niceties are stripped away and a raw, tired mama is exposed.

i've had a rough few weeks with my precious girl.  nothing catastrophic...just small daily battles that leave me feeling weary after awhile.  i've tried telling the fable of the boy who cried 'wolf'.  you know the one...kid keeps crying for help when he doesn't really need it and then when the time comes and he's face to face with a wolf no one comes to his rescue because they think it's just another whiny, annoying, ridiculous meltdown over absolutely nothing of value {ok...so that's not exactly the way it goes but - close enough}.  anyway - so far that hasn't worked.

here's the deal...my girl {like me} is full of passion.  it is her greatest strength and her greatest weakness.  at the moment it's also my greatest challenge.  she experiences life unfiltered and sometimes it leaves her singing and dancing like a broadway star...other times it leaves her red-faced on the floor flapping around like something out of a horror film.

maybe a couple of visuals would help...

a few days ago a late-night tantrum sent me over the edge.  she was inconsolable.  and although i maintained my cool and did my best to just get her in her pj's and in the bed {which, by the way, is not easy when you are being kicked and yelled at} the depths of my soul felt the crushing damage of that episode {and the cumulative effects of all the little ones leading up to it}.  once she finally settled down in bed i went back in...
cuddled up close, fingers run through curls, love promises whispered, songs sung, and prayers lifted...all for this child i adore.  
and she was redeemed...carried from restless to restful.

the trouble was - i couldn't shake the damage that had been done to me.  my head was spinning...
what kind of parent am i?
why can't i help her through this?
am i doing this all wrong?
what will happen if she can't get herself under control?
how is this kind of emotional behavior going to impact the rest of her life?

guilt, shame, worry...they started to creep in.

i was stopped short by a different question posed by a wise friend who is currently going through one of the darkest times of her life...
what happens when our suffering meets his glory?

with a heart full of helplessness i curled up on my bed and began to pray for my suffering and inadequacies to meet his glory and power so that...
generational sin would be broken
her restlessness would be replaced with peace
her discontent heart would fill with unspeakable joy 
burdens a tiny 3 year old should not have to bear would be lifted
her life would belong to Christ

the truth i have been engraving on my heart this lenten season gently revealed itself to me in new light.
david's words reminded me...
~ constantly speak His praises
~ the helpless can take heart
~ my prayers are answered
~ i am free from fear
if i look to him for help i will be radiant with joy and...
no shadow of shame will darken my face
~ in my desperation i am called to pray to a God who listens and saves
~ when my heart breaks he is close to me and will rescue my crushed spirit.

in that moment i began to realize the power of scripture memorization.  every bit of that wisdom and comfort was found wrapped up as a gift to me within one simple chapter of God's word.  all of a sudden my suffering meets his glory and the result?  
{more on my newfound love for watercolors coming soon!}