Friday, July 20, 2012

the pink room

when we moved into our house last year I was plagued for the first 6 months by the ‘pink room’.  

it was formerly a dreamy little girls room but we had decided to repurpose it as an office/sewing/craft room {btw - the sewing and craft part is kinda on the DL…I don't have a ‘golf room’ or a ‘hunting room’ or a ‘workout room’ to offer joey so boldly stepping in and claiming a sewing room is not acceptable…you have to ease your way into these things}.  

so…the office.  uggghhh…the office.  my original intentions were good.  i bought a can of creamy paint.  i had a preliminary layout in mind using existing furniture and odds and ends.  One thing got me derailed…the wall decals.  Those blasted wall decals!  

Of all the concessions we asked for in our closing on that house I never knew that the real dealbreaker should have been those decals.  Item #1 should have read – seller will remove all wall decals with no trace of oogy-gooey sticky mess.  

sure…they were cute...brown polka dots all over the pink wall.  i started with my finger…hmmm…not working.  well…treat them like wallpaper – a little fabric softener solution sprayed on…hmmm…not working.  ok – pull out the scraper…nope.  sandpaper?  still gooey.   goo-gone?  wire brushes?  aaarrrggghhh…as my blook pressure went up i decided to give up. i couldn't stand to mess with it any longer…too difficult…too frustrating…i had no idea of the next course of action.  

turn off the lights.  close the door.  

there it sat…looming at the end of the dark hallway.  i would occasionally peer in...boxes piled haphazardly in the middle of the floor waiting for the perimeter to be painted so things could get put in their proper places.  but no progress.  we kept piling.  

don’t have a place for something?   put it in the office.  
won’t fit anywhere else?  put it in the office.  
another hand-me-down piece of furniture that needs a little TLC?  put it in the office.  
too many toys in the playroom?  toss some in the office

every single thing that i didn't want to think about...went in the office.

it got worse and worse until one day...i couldn’t open the door.  and then I couldn’t even stand the sight of the door standing there as a bleak reminder of the mess on the other side - the mess i would eventually have to deal with.  the mess i didn’t have the strength to face right now.  

so I avoided it.  I tried to forget (but didn’t really).  i dodged into the other rooms along the hallway…the ones that were complete.  the ones that were neat and tidy and comfortable.  the ones that didn’t require anymore work.  i had already done enough work…i should enjoy those places.  

the other one would have to wait.  

then one night…right before joey was headed out of town I asked for 30 minutes…just 30 minutes…

to begin

 we had to begin.  

door open.  lights on.  skin crawls…what a mess.  where to begin?  
just begin
boxes opened…trash removed…things in their places…furniture moved…items organized…this feels good.  cleaning out.  knowing what you’re up against.  knowing you can change it {with help}.  knowing it won’t be like that forever.  knowing that even with the biggest messes there is the hope of a clean, fully operational room.  

a clean, fully operational heart…

i am smack-dab in the middle of what i am calling 'operation organization'.  it may take me years but i'm taking on my home one messy closet at a time...trying my best not to get overwhelmed.  

as i sort through my junk i am reminded of the 'operation organization' that is underway in my heart.  over the years i have cleaned out so many dark corners and filthy rooms.  no heart stays clean long in this world.  there are messes made all the time - death, broken families, addictions, sickness, abuse, betrayal...the list is endless.  decisions we make and situations we face bring the dirt and grime inside of us where it sits waiting to be cleaned out.  

cleaning is exhausting.  it takes time and energy and asking for help.  some stains are so set-in that you have to get down on your hands and knees and scrub them...hard.

i have done so much cleaning in my heart that sometimes i feel like i can't pick up that mop one more time...but there is always work to do.  the scriptures warn us against focusing on cleaning up our outward behaviors and appearance while remaining filthy on the inside.

sometimes i am carrying around a mess as big as that pink room inside of me and i can't bear to open the door.  then i am reminded that i must simply begin.  the work ahead of me may be great but to begin all i have to do is ask for help...

the words of a mighty {yet weak} king show me how...