Wednesday, January 23, 2013

finding the words

my head is hurting.

i'm in a fog.

it could have something to do with the fact that my contact lens prescription has run out and i haven't had time to go in for my exam so today i put in a pair that is 4 weeks old {please don't tell my optometrist}.

but there's something else.

on most days i can't sit down at the keyboard fast enough.  my fingers can't wait to fall into their old familiar place as my heart and mind wrap their arms around each other and gracefully take those big sweeping steps that are the dance of writing.

on most days my mind is filled with ribbons of thoughts that come tumbling out soft and long...all color and curl...filling the page with life.

over the past couple of weeks i have had three speaking engagements.  the work of my fingers, my heart, and my mind have gone into the words that would be spoken.  writing those words is different than writing these words.  not different-bad, not different-good...just different.  

i have neglected the ones that cry out to be written.  

now, in this first quiet moment, i sit down to find they have gone missing.  i have gotten up and down from the kitchen stool three times busying myself with mundane tasks like rearranging the flowers on my kitchen table.  
wasting time...waiting...hoping that the next time i pull up to the computer a post will just pour out into that empty box with the blinking cursor.

i can't find them.  i can't find the words.

and so i just start writing.  start looking.
of all the words i have spoken aloud these first new year weeks there are some that i keep replaying.  i keep turning them over in my mind.  i add to them and take away.  i poke and prod them.  i look for what is lying beneath.  within them there feels like a whole book's worth of thoughts and ideas...and somehow i can't squeeze enough out for one measly blog post.

know Him and make Him known.

two weeks ago i proclaimed from a sunday morning stage that this is God's will for us.  i believe it.  i see it written throughout the scriptures.  i feel it pressing into my own heart.  it is not a revolutionary thought but if we took it seriously it could start a revolution.  i can't let it go.  i want to know what it means for me.

be a good steward of your story.

i have shared again and again these words that are whispered into my heart each day.  i know they are meant for me...and for you.  i keep going back to this idea of platforms and i keep praying for the courage and confidence to step onto mine and do that first thing - make Him known.

for me the two are woven together into one bright, strong story and His.  there are people in this world, in this town, even in this very family of mine who don't know.  maybe i'm the one to tell them...maybe you are.  you can call it evangelism or witnessing or making disciples or telling the world or spreading the word...and there are a million and one ways to do it.  but for me there is only one that makes sense...sharing my story...and how it fits into His.  

just like david who stood boldly in front of the king and those armies of men and that towering giant, i want to stand up and tell them.  tell them about the lions and bears i have battled in my own life.  the ones that took the shape of fear and idolatry and pride and so many other tooth-bared creatures tearing my soul apart.  i want to tell them what it was like for me and then, like david, i want to proclaim with confidence...
     the Lord who rescued me...

i want them to know that my own story has gone from a novel that couldn't keep your attention beyond the first chapter to an amazing adventure worthy of a spot on the best-seller list.
i keep thinking that what donald miller says just might be true - 
your story fills in the empty places.

whether it's over a cup of coffee or from a stage flooded with lights or in a village in haiti or sitting on the edge of my daughter's bed or in this little cyberspace home...i want to fill those empty places.  i want to tell my story.  because i can't tell my story without making Him known.  and i can't make Him known without telling my story.  for me the one doesn't exist without the other.