Wednesday, April 17, 2013

why i don't wait well...

the best use of our gifts is never what we imagined.
:: priscilla shirer ::

i don't like waiting. 
i like movement.  
i don't like stopping.
i like to make progress.

and so i sit {uncomfortably} still and let these words knead and shape my heart...making it into something different...

cease striving and know that i am God...  {psalm 46:10}

those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength... {isaiah 40:31}

be strong and take heart and wait upon the lord... {psalm 27:14}

sometimes it takes more strength to wait long than to work hard...know what i mean?  
i think it has something to do with this awful tendency i have to control everything and keep it on my own terms.

this week i wanted to work but God wanted me to wait.  

joey and i have some precious friends that ministered to us early in our marriage.  one of the things they always say of God is this - He's seldom early...but never late.

i always remember their words but i have to keep relearning that lesson.

i saw saturday circled on my calendar.  i have a speaking engagement that day.  i am usually much farther along in the process of preparing a message than i am this time around...but things have been particularly busy around our house lately.

yesterday i literally fell to my knees and spent several minutes pleading and crying and asking God to please move me forward in this process.  please give me direction and focus as i sit down to work on this thing.

what followed was what felt like 2 hours of disorganized nothing.  wasted time.  forward movement equal to about two inches when i felt as though i needed 2 miles.

i was discouraged and uncomfortable and probably pretty difficult to be around {just ask my husband}.  that's how i respond to waiting...not well.

last night i went to bed early and instead of a long diatribe i simply whispered these words to God - i trust you.

i think i know why waiting takes more out of me than working...  
i try to work through the wait. 
   that's where my faith grows small and fragile.
i should trust through the wait.
   that's what big, strong faith looks like.

instead of accepting God's nudging that now is not the time for you to do that or this is not the direction i want you to go with that...i just keep spinning my wheels figuring that if God is not going to get things moving i am going to have to get extra busy to make it happen.  it's a slippery slope when we try to 'help God out'.  {just ask sarah about that whole incident with hagar.}

last night i finally submitted.  i'm not good at submission {again - ask my poor husband}.

this morning i: 
  opened an encouraging email that gave me direction about my strength as a speaker.
  received affirming words from a wise friend who reminded me to 'speak from the overflow of your heart'.
  had these words - which literally brought me to tears in their validation - delivered to my inbox.
  and was provided a perfect example of what i am called to do by watching one of my own favorite speakers do her thing.

carrying each of these things in my heart, i got into my minivan and drove to the grocery store.  during the 15 minute drive my message for this weekend was written and ready...without ever having placed my fingers on the keyboard.  

seldom early - never late.

what i released from my hands last night God picked right up into his.  
what i had spent hours, days, weeks ruminating over he took and transformed within a matter of minutes and presented it back to me...and it was perfect.

when will i learn that all the hard work i put into my calling is futile if i have not first been still long enough to wait on the one who has called me?