Monday, July 8, 2013

the song you may need to sing when the clouds roll in

dark clouds have rolled in and out of this southern sky for weeks now.  maybe they are rolling in and out of your life too.
last week i visited one of my dearest friends who is fighting the darkness that sometimes creeps in postpartum.  in your mind it seems ridiculous…to hold a perfect, beautiful baby in your arms and feel so empty and ugly inside.  but it’s real…oh, it’s real.  

we cried and we laughed and we prayed…desperate prayers.  the ones in which you feel each other's tears falling onto your hands clasped tight.  it was hard for me to walk out of the door knowing that i couldn’t carry the dark shroud out of there with me...knowing that she would still be fighting her way out from under it’s suffocating fabric.

as i drove away my thoughts went back to my own postpartum days.  

your kids start breaking your heart right out of the gate.  it never ends…it only changes.   love that cuts that deep can’t help but reach the tender places bringing waves of pain.  
i remember the song I sang on those days…

glorious…over us…you shall reign...

it’s not a traditional lullaby but it’s the song I most often sang to my kids when they were babies.  they still ask for it.  i didn't plan it that was just what came over my lips when fear and insecurity and frustration came over my heart.  

every time i hear that song memories flood my mind...  
  crying babies snuggled in the crook of my arm.  
  middle of the night feedings.  
  sniffles that seemed to suffocate tiny noses.  
  shots at the doctor’s office that brought big fat alligator tears of pain.  
  those pesky gas bubbles that can make a sweet little peanut writhe in agony.  
  the first time a head hit the floor so hard that i was afraid to look and so i just grabbed on and held tight...and sang...

so many times I was tired and unsure of myself as a mother…unable to think of what to do next…and so I sang.  

looking back now i think that specific song was whispered to me like a gift...a precious life-giving that i could then breathe life out again.  

glorious…in the middle of pain and fear and weariness and uncertainty and tears and frustration.
glorious…a striking beauty and splendor that demands admiration even in ugly, messy, middle-of-the-night times.

over us…this mama, these babies, this family, this home…over and above all of it.

you – my God, who is unchanging and strong and and full of grace {not me – who is hormonal and weak and quick to anger} 
shall reign…shall maintain authority and order in the chaos…shall prevail over the momentary darkness with a promise of light


when the rains come pouring down we need a reminder that someone is still reigning over it all.

i’m in a new season now…my kids aren’t babies anymore.  they still cry but now they can tell me what’s wrong.  even still, i don’t always feel qualified to do what’s best for them.  i get frustrated {a lot} and feel tired and helpless…it’s just for different reasons.
but over it all…the sibling fights, the potty-training accidents, the defiance, the loss of patience, the disappointment of friends, the ways we wound each other…i want Him to reign…
over us.

in every season of life…this is my prayer…for my family...and for yours.

where do you need to claim glorious light in a dark place today?

{and btw - for those of you wondering...i start today and i picked #2.  what about you?}