Tuesday, September 3, 2013

the late-night post i probably shouldn't publish

It's nearly 11pm and I am exhausted.  I should be in bed but I have this problem...  
there are days when my body can barely make it up the stairs but my mind keeps barreling forward and I can't find the brakes.

Do you ever have days like those?  

Today i am running on less sleep than I require and I never had time for that power nap I had planned.
Today I learned that the 'minute clinic' should be called the 'hour clinic' because we spent over an hour there only to discover that my son's lungs sounded so bad he needed to be treated elsewhere.
Today I fed my kids half a container of icebreaker sours to keep them entertained while we sat in waiting rooms {playing 'I Spy' and 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' only lasts so long}.
Today I was so busy running from one doctor to another that I forgot I had groceries in the back of my car that needed to be refrigerated.
Today I didn't have one single moment to check my email {sorry if you are one of the dozens of people still waiting to hear back from me!}.
Today I was scheduled to speak at a MOPS event on the topic of 'a beautiful mess' - as far as messes go - I was a perfect example.  I may have had time for a quick shower, makeup and an outfit change but my 'put-together' exterior was hiding a 'falling apart' interior.
Today I left my phone and all my notes at the aforementioned MOPS event and didn't realize it until I was actually locked out so I had to walk around the building for 10 minutes before I found a cleaning crew who could let me back in.

Did I mention...
I'm exhausted?

For me, exhaustion leads to diminished brain capacity.
When I experience diminished brain capacity I can't make thoughtful decisions, I can't focus, I get easily frustrated and start beating myself up for not being able to handle this crazy, unpredictable life.

When this breakdown happens I feel like I might have a real-life breakdown and here's why...
I like to do things well.  
I like to parent well.  
I like to manage my household well.  
I like to respond well to the people I meet each day.  
I like to communicate well to my audience when I speak.
Today I didn't feel like i did well - with anything.  
Today was more about surviving and less about succeeding and I don't like feeling that way.

At the end of a day that has not gone well,
I just want to be able to 
shut. this. thing. down.

I want to find the power switch and 
turn. it. off.

Do you know what I'm talking about?
Or do I sound as crazy as I feel?

My body wants to rest but my mind can't let this day go.  
Unfortunately - I can't go back for a redo.  But this day can be covered in something more important than success or the sense of having done 'well'.
It can be covered in grace.
i do not at all understand the mystery of grace - 
only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us. 
{anne lamott}

That grace comes like a cool, sweet breeze brushing softly over my battered and weary soul.  I don't need any amount of energy or brain capacity to conjure it up.  I just close my eyes and let it swirl all around me until I'm free again.  Free from pride and regret and self-doubt.  Suddenly my hands fall open and I release it all to the One who promises to redeem even the worst of days.

the day misspent,
the love misplaced,
has inside it
the seed of redemption.
nothing is exempt from resurrection.
{kay ryan}

In a moment I will hit 'publish' on this post and it will not be perfect {similar to my day}.  
I will not have a nicely cropped and edited picture to include.  
I will not go back to check for grammatical errors.
I will not edit statements that aren't worded just right.
I will not set up hyperlinks.

No - this post will not be perfect but it will be complete and sometimes that has to be enough.
Sometimes we just have to be able to say...
we completed this day.
It didn't turn out the way we had planned but we got ourselves and the rest of our people through it.
On a day like today that's not just enough - it's victory.

Now maybe my body and mind can be in agreement and I can go get some rest.  I hope you can too - rest.

{and by the way...if this is the first time you have ever read my blog i promise this isn't the norm...click back to some of my previous posts to see that i do in fact, on occasion, actually make sense and have something halfway valuable to say...maybe}