Wednesday, October 23, 2013

when you're away from home

She crept up beside my bed.
   I had a bad dream mommy.

Normally I would have walked her back to bed and rubbed her back and kissed all the scary thoughts away.  But last night I pulled back the covers and she climbed in beside me.  

I knew what the day ahead would hold and all I wanted to do was hold her.  
In hindsight it was God's kindness and mercy that led us to put all the pieces together once she was tucked in bed last night...before the nod of a doctor's head made it official today.  An observant mama and Google make a pretty good team when it comes to medical diagnoses.  As much as I hoped I was dead wrong, I knew in my heart I was completely right.

It was Joey who set the laptop aside, grabbed my hand, and lifted me from the couch and to my knees.
   We have to pray.

But once our hands were clasped, our eyes closed...his mouth fell silent.  He could hardly even breathe.  I willed the words to come out of my tear stained face.  I tasted salty water as I begged God to be light in this darkness.  I offered my child to his strong arms as my own frame grew weaker and weaker.

I don't know how I slept at all last night.

They say a normal blood sugar level is between 80 and 100.  When we were admitted to the hospital Lucy's was 505.

Type 1 Diabetes

Lucy learned the term today.
She will live with the disease for the rest of her life.

I've always known that my children would face struggles in their lives, but I didn't know it would be something so big that began so young.  A life of finger sticks and insulin injections and dietary restrictions.  I felt my heart cracking under the weight of this reality.

I have spent months preparing to speak at a women's retreat this weekend.
I have three messages prepared to be delivered to an auditorium full of women.
I will be in a hospital room instead.
I don't understand.

But God made no mistake when He took my hand and led me to a very specific place in His word.  The truth I uncovered wasn't just the preparation for a message I would was preparation for a season I would enter.

Though the theme of the retreat was 2 Corinthians 5:17 I kept coming back to the beginning of the was the opening verses that kept speaking personally to my heart and I didn't understand why...until today...

For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands.  We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing.  For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.  While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.  God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.

And so I grieve over the condition of her earthly body and the weariness she feels in this very moment curled up in that hospital bed. 
But I have had a deep peace all day that can only be explained by a belief that is rooted in my soul...

 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord.  For we live by believing and not by seeing.

Always confident.

And so the words rolled easy off my lips when I told her this...
It's going to be hard Doodlebug.  This Diabetes thing won't be easy.  But remember how we always talk about God's plan for our lives.  Don't forget that he is writing a story with your life and this is a part of it.  You can trust Him.

You can be confident.

It's hard being away from home.
I would much rather be tucked in my bed instead of sitting on this cold hard hospital floor.
But there is something happening desire for home is growing and my appreciation for it is magnified.  I am learning how to live well here so that I can eventually get back there.

And so we have bad dreams...
and sometimes bad dreams become reality.