Friday, March 21, 2014

5 minute friday :: joy

I've never written a '5 minute Friday' post.  I read them on occasion.  I never write them.  Today...when I saw the prompt was JOY...well...I knew it deserved at least 5 minutes of my time.
it means to be attacked when in a vulnerable position...
to be hit by something you never even saw coming.

Yesterday I was blindsided.
I stepped off of the elevator at the doctor's office full of hope and 10 minutes later as I watched her 5-year-old finger press the 'down' button I was fighting back tears.  
I had been hit.
I was vulnerable.
I felt as if I were being attacked from all sides and I could barely stand.
I never saw it coming.
I played out the scenario in my head totally differently than it actually played out in real life.
The breathing got hard again.

I walked to the parking garage with each of their tiny hands in mine and the mask of a forced smile.

If I could just get them in the car and get my sunglasses on then maybe I could release a bit of the floods that were welling up inside of me.  I turned the radio up just loud enough that they couldn't hear my sobbing and I kept my face at an angle that wouldn't reveal the tears.  I texted a friend because I needed somewhere for the kids to go so I could fall apart...all the way.

As I turned out of the parking deck I willed myself to breathe in deep and then it came back to me...the word that was whispered to me on an ordinary Wednesday morning...
It didn't seem to fit on this catastrophic Thursday...and then it did.
I remembered the context in which I had spoken it over that group of 50 women I lead each week...

Because of what he has done.
Because he provided his son as a living sacrifice for me.
Because he wanted to bridge the gap between the darkness and heartache of this world to the beauty and light of eternity.
Because of what he has done...not because of what I want him to do right now...or what he didn't do yesterday...or what I'm hoping he will do tomorrow...
because of what he has done
I don't just have joy...
I am filled with it.

It may be the most breathtakingly beautiful truth of my faith...that in the hardest moments of this life the deepest joy can be experienced.

Sometimes the words whispered on an ordinary Wednesday are the ones you will need on a catastrophic Thursday.