Sunday, March 16, 2014

big important things

This morning I had the luxury of an extra long shower minus the audience of little people with their faces pressed to the glass...
so I did some good solid thinking.
Do you know what I thought most about?
And this blog.
You may, or may not, have noticed that I have not posted here in over a week.
That's unusual.

It's not that I haven't been writing...
I write every day.
Sometimes words are scribbled in my morning pages void of punctuation and capitalization.
Other times I type out sentences, paragraphs, or pages of my book {with more than 10,000 words I think it really might be growing into something worthy of binding up and placing on shelves}.
So I've been writing...
just not here.

And I feel as though I have neglected you - my kind and gracious readers.
I want to make an apology but I am working on not apologizing for things that don't really necessitate an apology {it's that approval addiction thing again} so I will just say
     hello...I've missed you.

As I thought about you and this blog I realized I had disconnected.
I realized that I could just never re-connect...never write another post.

Nobody would come after me shaking their fist and demanding I get back to work if I wanted my next paycheck because...well...I don't get paid for blogging.
Nobody would give me a bad performance review because I was failing to meet productivity standards.
I honestly could have just let this whole thing die and become a distant virtual memory.
R.I.P. Words and Wonder

That train of thought kept going and picking up speed and a strange thing happened...I got scared.
I got scared that I might just let this thing go like I have done with so many other things in my life.

I'm a hopper...I hop from one thing to another.
It's a nice way to say that I am also sort of a quitter...or noncommittal...or easily distracted...or basically terrible at following through with things.

I try to ignore that truth about myself by keeping busy with lots of really big important things.  Unfortunately every time you pick up a new big important thing an old big important thing gets left behind.
It's sad when I think about it because here's what I'm learning...
some big important things are yours to carry for the long haul.
They aren't meant to be passed on to someone else
or to be carried halfway
or to be a short season of your life.

Some big important things are actually your big important things and without you...they die...and that's a shame.

Over the past month a few big important things in my life have risen to the surface and I have reached out and picked them up and realized that they are mine for the long haul.

In order to say 'yes' to my big important things I will have to say 'no' to other big important things.
That can be hard.
It helps to know that saying 'no' to other big important things doesn't mean I believe they are small and unimportant, it just means they will be big and important because of someone else...not because of me.

Even if I don't know exactly where it's headed, I'm not willing to let go of this big important thing I call my 'words and wonder'...not today.

So here's what it's come to...
I am writing to you in my minivan outside of Starbucks stealing their WiFi {well not really...I did go inside and buy a grande decaf Americano with one pump of hazelnut before deciding that the buzz of activity inside was not conducive to producing one of the hardest posts I've ever written}.

Rain pouring,
temperature dropping,
back aching {they really need a fold out computer desk in Honda Odysseys, don't you think?},
thoughts racing,
fingers moving,
in a desperate attempt to keep this thing alive.

Because it's not just a big important thing...I think it's one of my big important things.
And I'm committed to carrying it all the way...even if I don't know where we're headed.

What's your big important thing?