Thursday, July 3, 2014

first friday finds :: july 2014

{It's #firstfridayfinds time again and here's this month's unedited, 15 minutes worth of truth.  
Please share yours at the bottom too!  Here's how.}
It's the fourth of July and I don't think this post is going to be the least bit patriotic...I apologize.
I've only got 15 minutes so let's see where this goes...

I envy people who are not crazy.  I'm being serious.

I have a handful of friends who had pretty normal childhoods, stable families, loyal friends, nothing traumatic or wild to report other than the time their second-cousin-once-removed showed up at the family reunion drunk.  I know their lives are not perfect but their course in life has never deviated too far.  These are the people I try to channel when I feel like I am going to completely lose it and go ballistic on someone.  I know that thought would never cross the mind of a non-crazy person.

I, myself, am not one of them.  I have crazy in me.  
What I mean by that is that I routinely feel like I might literally come out of my skin
and I harbor tension that makes my jaw clench as I sleep, which seems to only be relieved by either screaming at the top of my lungs, throwing something, or sobbing uncontrollably
and I know that 'losing your mind' isn't just something people say but something that really happens because I misplace mine on a regular basis
well...I should stop there...we only have 15 minutes.

My crazy usually lies hidden behind the social graces every good southern girl has been taught
or cowering under the commands of my highly trained behavior modification skills,
but eventually it pokes it's ugly head out and starts to cause problems.

Being crazy isn't easy {especially for my kids and husband I'm guessing...poor things}.  
But lately I've been thinking that my crazy may actually be evidence of God's mercy.

Every time I think I might have a handle on this life, the craziness seems to get a hold of me and I am reminded how foolish I have been in all my independent acting and thinking and feeling...
wait...independence...maybe this is a 4th of July post.

Let's just get to the verse already.


When I feel crazy my mind starts spinning and I need answers and a solution and something to stop the voices in my head...and usually I ask God for help with all of that.  
And it doesn't help.  
And then I start to think that my mind is so full of nonsense that I can't even properly ask the Lord of all creation for what I need...because surely he could set things right if I just asked the right questions and got the right answers.  And I wear myself out with all this business of asking and not getting answers until I am so weary and frazzled that I just finally crawl up on His lap and let myself fall into Him.  
And the craziness lifts.  
And that verse proves true...

Stop asking and start abiding.

Don't let yourself get so far away from the source of truth that all you can hear are lies.

Oh God, that my being would literally be an extension of your being.  
That you would fuse my spirit back onto yours so that there is not a breath of space between room for crazy to creep in and take back over.  
That this dead branch of a life would be reconnected to it's vine and receive all the nourishment needed to produce something ripe and sweet in this world.  
Oh God, apart from you I can do nothing...why do I ever try?