Tuesday, October 7, 2014

NEW {day 7} :: face down on the floor

The moment I found myself face down on my closet floor avoiding the reflection of who I had become was days before I would literally walk out of the door on my husband.  I remember saying these words – ‘I don’t deserve to be loved.’
Everyone makes mistakes in marriage but I had never been good at messing up...especially when it came to relationships.

I had long prided myself on being successful in nearly every relationship I encountered.  
I could get along with anyone
connect with anyone
have a good laugh and a good cry with anyone
extend grace and understanding to anyone.

And yet there I was in a marital relationship that was completely falling apart largely because of me.  I couldn't reconcile who I had become to who I thought I had always been.

Every little thing I said and did wrong as a wife had clung to me like mud, and after 3 years I was lugging around a heavy, hardened, dirty mass of failures.  I had always found my identity in being 
the good girl 
the kind girl
the girl everyone liked
and yet I was finding it harder and harder to like myself.

I didn't recognize the person I saw staring back at me in the mirror.  I couldn't see any resemblance to the girl I thought I was and I wondered if that person had ever really existed at all.  Maybe she had just been an illusion.  Maybe my true identity was finally uncovered.  
I couldn’t stand it.  
I didn’t know what to do.  
I needed a do-over.  
I had to get rid of everything associated with that mess and start new.
But I had no idea where to find 'new'.

I tried buying new clothes
meeting new friends
traveling to new places
reading new books
trying new foods
frequenting new establishments
adopting new values...
and it actually worked - temporarily.

Feeling different can suggest that you are new but 'different' and 'new' are worlds apart...
{come back tomorrow for part 2 of this post}

to view all posts in this series click HERE