Monday, June 29, 2015

little girl, big needles

There was a night the week we got home from the hospital that Joey had to hold her down.

All three of us were on the floor of our foyer right next to the skinny wooden table with the flowers carved along the side.

Friday, June 26, 2015

when you didn't plan on being a hot mess {and the importance of bench sitting}

I didn't feel like a hot mess when I woke up this morning.

I mean, I actually felt clear-headed, non-hormonal, and semi-normal.  I had an idea of what to fix the kids for breakfast and I remembered everything they needed for Vacation Bible School before we were already in the car and on the way.  I even took a shower.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

black and white

When I was around ten or eleven years old I watched a TV drama that depicted life during the civil rights movement.  I was equal parts disheartened and inspired.  I declared out loud that I wished I had lived in the 1960's so that I could have been a part of that fight for freedom and equality.  It would be several more years before I realized that fight was still going on.  And yet, what have I done about it?

I've been aware.
I've been interested.
I've wanted to bridge gaps.
But have I really?
In elementary school when I was asked to write a paper about someone famous I chose Jackie Robinson.  I chose him mainly because he was black and I didn't know a lot about black people and that didn't seem right.  So I read his story and wrote it in my own words and I've always carried it with me, but has that really made any difference?

I am white.
Most of my friends are white.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

running and rolling {and why they don't work}

There was a time when I thought my life depended primarily on me.  Man, that was exhausting.

When you think your life depends primarily on you there are two ways you might behave –
running
or
rolling up in a ball.
Or if you're crazy like me, you might do both.

Running is the move when you think you’ve got a shot.  When you think that, despite the difficulties, you could push yourself farther and faster to eventually make this thing work.  This was the mode of operation for an over-achieving, people-pleaser like me for years.

Rolling up in a ball is what you do when you decide it’s impossible.  The difficulties and obstacles are so overwhelming that you just give up and decide there is no point in even trying.  This can look like a complete giving up because you feel destroyed or a complete giving yourself over to something that will destroy you.  Either way, you are rolling yourself right into a trap.  I’ve been there too.
How about you?  Have you run, or rolled, or maybe both?

Monday, June 8, 2015

if something big has come crashing into your life

She demands attention.
I mean, it's not like you can just ignore water that stretches out in front of you for thousands of miles.
She's big - massive, really.
She's loud - requiring you to raise your voice to be heard over her.
She's bright - collecting all the light that reaches down to touch her.

But for all her bigness
and loudness
and brightness,

Saturday, June 6, 2015

a weekend wish

In this moment there is nothing so important that you can't take time for a slow, deep inhale and a long, lingering exhale.
It's what God wants to give you - a chance to catch your breath.  
Because a chance to catch your breath is a chance to catch a glimpse of him, a whisper, a nudge - that sets your gaze back in the right direction.  And suddenly the rhythm in our chest begins to reset the rhythm of our souls.  Happy Weekend, friends!

{BTW - in case you haven't heard - I have a new FB page!  
We are having all sorts of fun over there and I hope you'll join us!}

Monday, June 1, 2015

be careful how you're 'being careful'

The kids played behind the glass wall as we hunched over the table intent in our conversation.  It was the first chance I'd had to sit with my friend, Rebecca, and process through the struggles of the weeks before.

On that day nearly 2 years ago, Lucy, our daughter, had just received her diagnosis and I had been drowning - in fear and grief and learning this new way of life.
I knew I needed to come up for air long enough to go into public and sit with someone who could see me and this situation with tenderness and truth.  It's a treasure to have a dear friend who is also a counselor.  Halfway through the conversation I told her I was thinking about quitting.
She looked at me questioningly - Quit what?
Everything.
My job.
My responsibilities.
Every committee and every commitment.
I had to clear my plate completely so that I could get a handle on what we were dealing with.

She didn't hesitate in her response - Don't do it.  Don't make any big decisions right now in the middle of crisis.  Wait.