Thursday, October 29, 2015
when you are wrestling
I have been wrestling.
Unlike my kids I have more of a tendency to demand my release than to laugh and have fun.
In my experience, wrestling is a sign of change and transition. It carries a lot of promise but can be terribly painful in the process.
At the moment, I feel like I am flailing around in all directions, trying to discern the best move -
the one that will work,
the one that will bring victory,
the one that will result in my hand being lifted high in triumph.
For now I'm still on the mat being pushed and pulled and pinned. I think it's the Holy Spirit's hands all over me - all inside of me -
completely rearranging me.
Don't get me wrong - life is good. I am happy and healthy. I have more than I deserve.
But wrestling is uncomfortable and can leave you feeling, well...
I don't like feeling pinned down.
I like to be completely free to move and create and actually get something accomplished.
Wrestling is like waiting on steroids.
I have been writing on this blog for seven years. I love the community that gathers here and the opportunity to share life with you, but I have dreams for my words that involve books and events and on-line communities that will bring real life change for real people. I just don't know how to get from here to there. Sometimes the 'here to there' begins to strangle the passion and creativity right out of me.
In the past, when things got uncomfortable or overwhelming I shut down. I set those dreams aside and got back to the writing - it's what I know and love. It is a comfortable place where I am free to move. My fear is that by setting the dreams aside I am not giving the words the chance to do all they are capable of doing. Not giving them the chance to influence all the people they are capable of influencing. I am anchoring them to the ground when they are desperate to fly.
Maybe you've felt it too.
Maybe you have dreams and ideas shimmering in the distance and you just aren't sure how to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be.
Maybe you have felt the discomfort of waiting, and wrestling.
I don't have all the answers for you, but here's what I believe.
The wrestling will lead us to the next step and then we will need to take it. There may be more wrestling, more waiting, but then there will be another step, and another. If we just keep doing the next thing, taking the next step, we will get there.
I also believe that the journey to get there will be just as significant as the arrival at our destination, so let's not squander it or rush it, shall we? I know, I know - easier said, than done. But let's try.
I'm already seeing my own small steps leading to great gains. What lies ahead is still blurry and, at the moment, I'm fighting to find direction for my next move.
But I know it will come. When it does, not only will I move closer to what stands out in front of me, but I will move deeper to what lies within me.
In the meantime, I've been doing something. I guess you could call it my secret wrestling move.
I've been writing down why I do what I do over and over in different ways and with different words. Sometimes I use a pen. Other times I use a keyboard. There are times when only the pages of my journal hear the words and other times when I offer them to friends and family members. I say things to myself and others like
I want to...
It's important to me that...
I can't stop thinking about...
I feel compelled to...
This process is gradually bringing clarity to the blurry places.
It might do that for you too. Give it a try.
If nothing else, I think it will help you giggle and squeal with delight in the middle of the wrestling - instead of feeling desperate to get back to a more comfortable position.